I'm shallow, and it's saving my life.

You need to out-honest me or I’ll break my own leg to replace you in the limelight.

Wed, 15 May 2013 03:44:36 -0400

You need to out-honest me or I’ll break my own leg to replace you in the limelight.

THANK YOU ERIN FOR PUBLICLY DISCUSSING MY ACHIEVEMENTS SO THAT PEOPLE CAN KNOW, BUT I DON’T SEEM...

Wed, 15 May 2013 03:44:22 -0400

THANK YOU ERIN FOR PUBLICLY DISCUSSING MY ACHIEVEMENTS SO THAT PEOPLE CAN KNOW, BUT I DON’T SEEM LIKE I’M BRAGGING

"16 new texts from Emily"

Wed, 15 May 2013 03:44:05 -0400

(8:44am) Remember when syphillis was “the disease” of the upper class of Europe?

(8:44am) I do. It was when I became a vampire

(8:45am) year was 1829 and the leaves of Paris were just beginning to bud

(8:46am) I had just left Madame Lafouette’s brothel and the mist was setting in thick. I hurried to reach my father’s town house before the night watchmen picked me up.

(8:47am) Their charges would never stick - my father the judge had survived Napoleon and would survive the shame of his errant son and his whores

(8:48am) It was in the queer foggy light that I first saw him, leaned against a lamp post, trying to light a cigarette in the damp air.

(8:50am) “Ah, ‘msieur. Here take mine.” I offered him a match and he took it gratefully. We smoked there in the moonlight, two midnight comrades.

(8:51am) He looked into my eye, and I saw that his own were curiously empty. He was fashionably pale and build like an alley cat.

(8:53am) “Those whores will doom you, Monsieur Dumont. They’ve already started. You feel the sickness in your blood already, biting deep,” The stranger murmured to me.

(8:55am) How could he know? I was merely ill, a cold, but a forboding shiver recollected me to my former conmpainion, Gireaux, who has been driven mad by The Disease.

(8:57am) “‘tis but a cold, ‘msieur. Rest assured.” I responded. He eyed me unconvinced. “You fear what does not have a cure. But what if I could share my cure with you?”

(8:57am) “tell me more,” He looked me up and down. “It’s better if I just show you.”

(8:58am) He lunged at me, and then I knew no more.

(8:58am) I think I just wrote a bestseller.

(8:59am) What just happened. I was thinking about syphilis and then vampires.

(8:59am) Story Wednesday.

…well, cats are technically edible.

Fri, 03 May 2013 18:40:54 -0400

…well, cats are technically edible.

Sometimes, I remember that I wanted to be a good person. But then I also remember that I want cake....

Mon, 29 Apr 2013 01:48:01 -0400

Sometimes, I remember that I wanted to be a good person. But then I also remember that I want cake. So then I make cake. And then I’m so satisfied that I do not give a shit about other people.

Hey, just realized that my uniform bag got on a bus. Can you grab it for me? I’ll blow you.

Mon, 29 Apr 2013 01:43:39 -0400

Hey, just realized that my uniform bag got on a bus. Can you grab it for me? I’ll blow you.

Fuck. I can’t go on today. I hate English. I misspelled English on my IB World Lit submission form....

Fri, 19 Apr 2013 20:33:05 -0400

Fuck. I can’t go on today. I hate English. I misspelled English on my IB World Lit submission form. Fuck this.

Under language on the form, wrote “Engish”

Just caught a Library Assistant (young one) making out with his girlfriend in the staff room. “what...

Fri, 19 Apr 2013 20:32:03 -0400

Just caught a Library Assistant (young one) making out with his girlfriend in the staff room. “what will it take to keep you quiet?” “ice cream. Vanilla. A good kind” I’m taking bribes, Alex. This is amazing. He brought me some Marble Slab on my break.

Swap out “Alex” for “Lisa”. Sorry, forgot who I was texting.

People in front of me are debating bratwurst vs kielbasa. Sausage party.

Thu, 18 Apr 2013 12:51:35 -0400

People in front of me are debating bratwurst vs kielbasa. Sausage party.

I won’t puke on anybody. Not that drunk. Maybe when I get home. Almost wrote if I get home. No, I’m...

Mon, 15 Apr 2013 16:35:11 -0400

I won’t puke on anybody. Not that drunk. Maybe when I get home. Almost wrote if I get home. No, I’m getting home.

Photo

Wed, 10 Apr 2013 14:24:18 -0400

Salsa quinoa peppers tomato cilantro sweet potato Sorry - grocery list

Tue, 02 Apr 2013 23:53:36 -0400

Salsa quinoa peppers tomato cilantro sweet potato

Sorry - grocery list

I’ve stopped giving a shit on Tuesdays. They are the worst day unless I’m drinking.

Tue, 02 Apr 2013 23:52:51 -0400

I’ve stopped giving a shit on Tuesdays. They are the worst day unless I’m drinking.

forever will my title be “Shaman Emily”

Mon, 01 Apr 2013 18:33:07 -0400

forever will my title be “Shaman Emily”

I like being an abysmal human being.

Mon, 01 Apr 2013 18:32:46 -0400

I like being an abysmal human being.

Are you coming to the birthday tomorrow? And if not, why are you leaving me alone with these...

Mon, 01 Apr 2013 03:50:09 -0400

Are you coming to the birthday tomorrow?

And if not, why are you leaving me alone with these people.

It’ll just be me in a room full of people I once had sexual tension with, but they haven’t clued in that I’m too lazy for them now.

I’m day drunk. I can’t spell truth. Inefficiency I can spell correctly. Someone is apparently...

Mon, 01 Apr 2013 03:49:16 -0400

I’m day drunk. I can’t spell truth. Inefficiency I can spell correctly. Someone is apparently difficult.

I AM MOTHERFUCKING SOCRATES YOU PLEBIAN SLUTMONKEY

Mon, 01 Apr 2013 01:58:09 -0400

I AM MOTHERFUCKING SOCRATES YOU PLEBIAN SLUTMONKEY

Champagne and passports - that’s how well-rounded of an adult I am. KATY PERRY ALL THE TIME...

Sat, 30 Mar 2013 16:13:19 -0400

Champagne and passports - that’s how well-rounded of an adult I am.

KATY PERRY ALL THE TIME OMNOMNOM

I really like the way you call me a goddess. Beautiful, terrible, powerful, irrational and defies...

Mon, 25 Mar 2013 14:40:38 -0400

I really like the way you call me a goddess. Beautiful, terrible, powerful, irrational and defies the laws of nature.